100 Days of Sexual Abstinence
As you probably know, I am currently practicing sexual asceticism. I declared my motives here and started the sexual abstinence challenge on December 10. No ejaculation for 100 days. Today I am on day 30.
I have been keeping a little diary, but most of it is boring, since all I do in my life right now is work, write, train, and meditate. I barely have time to think about pussy, so that helps my challenge a lot. There are four diary entries, however, that might be interesting to you, so I will share them here. Uncensored and unpolished, it reads like the ramblings a 13-year-old boy (probably because I’m currently feeling as if I were in puberty again).1
I almost failed today. Real girls are the hardest to resist!
After BJJ training today, I hit on a cute 20-year-old blonde in the tram: sat down next to her, introduced myself, told her she’s cute, and flirted with her for two minutes or so. Then the usual thought popped into my head: Can I pull her? No, I am meeting my family for dinner in half an hour. I wanted to get her number, but I knew that this would likely lead me to fail my challenge. What to do? Mid-sentence, I stood up without saying anything, walked away like a psycho, and got out of the tram.
Phew! I was so fucking relieved, standing there in the cold. But then, after family dinner, I came home… God damn was I horny! As soon as I dropped my gym bag, I started masturbating. That girl was so fucking sexy! I had her lips in my mind vividly, obsessively. Yet as I felt that I was going to cum soon, I looked at my whiteboard where I had depicted my challenge progress. I managed to let go of my dick. I can’t allow myself to fail on day 21—no fucking way!
Not knowing what to do, I ran up and down my apartment, back and forth and in circles, thinking of a way out of this situation. “What if I include a cheat day in my challenge?” “Shouldn’t I allow myself a little break every twenty or thirty days?” “My challenge is stupid anyway! Who does this shit?” I was fishing for excuses.
Then I tried to ground myself and focus on my breath; that wasn’t enough. I began brewing some tee; that helped a bit. Then I started writing this journal entry; now my dick is no longer hard, my mind has cooled back down, and I feel in control again. Thank God I made my challenge so clear and definite! Otherwise, I would have failed right now.
The second lesson I learned today is this: Seductive images are tough to resist. Sexy chicks I see in real life are even tougher to resist; not necessarily not banging them, but not jerking off to a mental image of them when I am back at home, that’s tough. Sexy chicks I actively flirt with, however, they make the challenge fucking BRUTAL. Maybe I should stop talking to tantalizing women as long as I’m doing this challenge…
I could barely concentrate at work today. All I could think about was pussy and ass. I hate this challenge. I stayed strong though.
I failed today. By total chance, I ran into a girl I knew back from elementary school. She was beautiful then, and she is stunningly hot today. When I came home, I wanted to record a podcast, but while I was recording, I suddenly and reflexively started jerking off. A mental image of her popped into my mind, I couldn’t help it, and I flew into a rabid frenzy, I couldn’t stop, I lost control, I came.
Will I start this challenge all over again? No. I hate this challenge, and it hasn’t done any good for me as yet. I will have to live with my mistake—that moment of weakness—forever! However, I must ensure that this will not happen again in the next 73 days. And now it’s even harder because now the thought “fuck it, I’ve already failed once, so why bother?” might start to creep into my head. But I shall resist!
Yesterday night I went out partying with friends. At around 1 am, we got to a club with tons of hot chicks around. But I had absolutely no interest in talking to any of them. And when I forced myself to talk to some, I had absolutely no interest in hitting on them. And when I forced myself to hit on a few (to be honest, it was only one plus one I danced with), I had absolutely no interest in taking it any further. And I felt miserable, especially while I walked back home. Alone. All I felt was self-loathing and misanthropy. And I have to stick to this stupid challenge for 70 more days! I hate it so fucking much. I also love it because it helps me stay focused on my higher priorities, but yesterday I just hated, hated, hated it. Thankfully, I was so full of hatred that I didn’t even have a desire to jerk off when I was back home, even though I had seen so many sexy girls, so many temptresses.
I’m on day 30 of my challenge now. My results so far are 30 days without sex, 30 days without porn, 28 days without masturbation, and 29 days without ejaculation. Currently, I’m worried that this challenge might fuck me up psychologically. As yet, I wouldn’t recommend this challenge to anyone. I don’t think that it’s good for a man’s mental health, and I’m not sure whether I can stick out the challenge for another 70 days, but I will give it my best.
Two things I have learned so far
First, I guess I objectify women (more accurately, female strangers). If sex is not an option, they don’t mean much to me.
Second, I find the claims made by the NoFap community to be bullshit. Not watching porn and not jerking off does not make me more confident, focused, productive, happy, social, talkative, or attractive to women. (I did get approached by girls more than usual when I was in the club, but that’s most likely just because I hadn’t shaved my head like a skinhead that night, which made me look more approachable.) I think the only reason, besides the placebo effect, why NoFappers experience so many benefits when they quit porn and masturbation is because this is their first time they actually exert willpower and learn what it feels like to have self-discipline. If you already have some self-discipline and no addiction to porn, quitting masturbation might not give you any benefits at all. But maybe no fap + no sex is a just bad combination. I, at least, have not experienced any positive effects yet.
- Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 2 [50/100 Days]
- Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 3 [60/100 Days]
- Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 4 [100/100 Days]
- Alan Watts on NoFap and Sexual Asceticism
- How Moderation Gives Us Freedom