I can’t look at them anymore. Hot fucking girls. I mustn’t bang them, nor seduce them (not that I’m such a master seducer, but whatever), nor touch to them, nor talk to them, nor even lay my eyes on them. My current strategy is to develop a paranoia that shall lead me to success. A paranoia of being tempted. I must avoid it all! Avoid all temptation. “Kill sexual desires in their infancy, don’t let them grow!”—that’s what I’m telling myself to keep up the death of my sex life.
I’ve come across a tempting picture online? “Slam your laptop shut!” My mind starts thinking about girls I’ve banged? “Go outside for a walk!” I’ve caught sight of a cute chick outside? “Don’t look at her!” I force myself to kill sexual desires in their infancy.
Now I could say that all this is liberating because I don’t have to obsessively look at women wherever I go. I’m liberated from compulsively checking out female shapes and faces. I’m free to focus on more important things. Awesome, right?
Well, it just doesn’t feel like freedom to me, for I see that attentional self-control and bodily self-mastery don’t truly rule my behavior. Rather, my “freedom” is a compulsive avoidance of temptation, of desire, and of challenge. This isn’t freedom through strength. I waste too much energy on avoiding temptation, recognizing it early enough, and resisting it. It’s insane. This challenge is insane and stupid.
Sexual abstinence is stupid because it forbids me to approach and even look at girls. This is so unhealthy for my masculine psyche.
What grown man averts his gaze when he sees an attractive woman? Although I’m doing it for a greater purpose, it’s making me mentally ill nonetheless. Maybe I’m failing to see the long-term benefits here, but I really don’t feel confident while I’m avoiding temptations and looking away from girls like a little bitch.
Overall, my life quality has deteriorated since I started this challenge. I feel generally less happy, especially when I’m around people, and every woman I see just makes me angry because she poses a threat to my victory. This sexual abstinence bullshit is fucking up my mental health. Did I mention that this challenge is stupid?
I’m starting to understand how sexual frustration can turn young men into serious dangers to society. Now I’m not legitimately concerned that this challenge could turn me into a rapist or a pervert, but I do feel a growing importance to make getting laid my number one priority as soon as this challenge is done. Not for the sake of pleasure, but for the sake of sanity.
Unable to relax
Sexual asceticism is also making me incapable of relaxation. It’s not that I need sexual release to relax, but whenever I start to relax, I get horny and want sexual release. So I can’t allow myself to relax anymore.
For example, I can’t lay in my bed just to relax for a few minutes because the urge to masturbate would quickly become unbearable. But that’s fine, I should lie in bed only when I’m dead from a full day of massive exhaustion anyway—with no desire other than for good, healing sleep.
Moreover, if I want to wind down by reading a book at night, I often can’t. My libido won’t let me. I can only relax through meditation and walking in the woods, although sometimes I even feel a strong urge to jerk off when I’m in the woods at night…
At times I feel like I’m back in puberty again and the very second I stop actively focusing my mind, it wanders off into a dream land of soft sweet pussy. Sure, I could reframe this inability to relax in a positive way and say, “Look at how much stuff I get done, how much action I take, and how much energy I have!” But I know that I would be bullshitting myself. The truth is that I can’t stop doing shit because otherwise I’d get so horny that I’d fail at my challenge. This is not a sign of strength; it’s fucked up.
And even though the abstinence increases my productivity on some days by simply leaving me more time to work, it just saps my productivity on other days, forcing me to do breathing exercises, meditate, and go for walks in order to withstand the temptation of watching some porn and getting my distracting arousal over with. At this point, it would probably just take me a few seconds to cum and I’d immediately have the burden out of the way for a while. Oh, wouldn’t that be great? O, so great! …shit.
My inability to chill out has even reduced the number of blog posts I was able to publish over the past two weeks. If I don’t enter a flow state quickly while writing, it mightn’t take long until I’ve loaded a porn site and am battling my arousal again. Typically, I fight with breath control after I’ve slammed my laptop shut. If the temptation is more severe, I go outside for a brief walking meditation.
Personally, though, I find mental images of real girls harder to resist than random porn actors. That’s when I have to fight with negative visualization. Whenever my mind wants to think of chicks I’d like to bang (or bang again), I imagine how they’ll look like in twenty years from now—when they’ve lost the seductive sexual spell of their youth, when their skin has lost its glow and started to wrinkle, when their tits and ass have become flabby, and so forth. This helps me to control myself when my memories become the source of temptation.
A bomb about to explode?
So apparently, I devote quite some time to resisting temptation these days, and I’m aware that this can’t be a long-term solution (especially not to a problem I don’t even have).
Every female ass I spot accidentally and every mouth, every finger I see just puts more black powder into my bomb of sexual tension that will sooner or later explode. In addition, the bomb gets filled more and more easily because I’m becoming hypersensitive to all kinds of sexual stimuli.
Yesterday, however, I had a first glimpse at freedom. I loaded a porn site and didn’t automatically resist and walk away. Instead, I watched a few videos. And especially during moments I thought “whoa, FUCK YEA!!” I experienced a very noticeable bodily reaction (besides my dick being rock-hard). I observed something in my breath. My breathing changed. The waves of my arousal seemed to flow in unison with the waves of my breath (yes, blood and breath truly are one).
Typically, I would immediately withdraw and change my breathing, but yesterday I didn’t. I just observed my arousal spreading, flowing through my body. I imagined it streaming from my eyes through my chest and into my balls. And I saw it dancing with my breath. But I didn’t interfere. And: I didn’t start masturbating! Soon, of course, I had to use my willpower to stop watching porn, but it felt less forced, less suppressive than usual.
This may be the key to winning my challenge: Instead of fighting sexual arousal, I should accept and observe it. Instead of running away to meditate, I should meditate on the arousal itself. I’ve always been afraid that if I don’t steer around my behavior immediately, I will fail in a matter of seconds (because I’ve failed once before). But maybe those radical changes in my behavior do more harm than good?
From now on, I will focus not on taking action away from temptation, but rather on letting the temptation be, on accepting what I feel, and on cutting the link between arousal and behavior. If I can face an arousing temptation without touching myself and if I can resolutely separate feelings from actions, I should also have an easier time around hot chicks in real life.
Wouldn’t it be great if I could appreciate, nay marvel at female beauty without having to act on it and without feeling impotent at the same time? In theory, yes. In practice, I will see. All this could just as well be a trap. I shall test my new approach with caution. I know how easy it is for a high-T man to get caught up in sexual arousal (and I also know that this relationship is more complex).
Do I feel proud for doing this challenge?
Contrary to my expectations, staying disciplined and trying to complete this challenge doesn’t give me true pride. Of course, I wouldn’t do this challenge if it weren’t for my pride, but the pride I feel is bitter. It is the bitter pride of a stubborn ascetic, not the true pride of an energetically grounded man who does his True Will.
So why don’t I quit this challenge? Because it’s a mission I’ve set for myself and accepted. An accepted mission must be completed. I have to accomplish this mission as a matter of self-respect.
And that’s my current experience
Sexual arousal is like a great ocean wave. A man’s task is to ride the wave and have fun surfing. My current challenge, however, has me be an ocean rock that gets smacked and smacked by waves and waves and waves. Being a solid rock is onerous and frustrating, for my nature is that of a man, not that of a rock. And yet I will remain strong and keep my head up high when the waves of arousal collapse onto me!
Still, what I feel when I exert self-control to keep myself from masturbating and pursuing women is not pure strength. It is partly willpower and partly emptiness. Yet I must stay disciplined. I must be the rock that watches the waves collapse and float away—and come anew… I’ve been a solid rock for the last 20 days, which means that I haven’t ejaculated for 49 of the 50 days so far. Just 50 more days and I’m a free man again! A man who can have fun surfing the waves of sexual arousal.
- Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 3 [60/100 Days]
- Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 4 [100/100 Days]