Thank God I can release my aggression at the gym! Physically exhausting myself every day by lifting weights or training jiu-jitsu helps to relieve me from the hate and frustration that enters my soul as I get no sexual satisfaction.
The only reason why I didn’t have many dicey situations in the past ten days is because I worked so much and trained so hard that I rarely had a moment to relax and let the arousal emerge. Using the Internet solely for publishing content and downloading podcasts while not going out nor meeting any people helped me to avoid sexual stimulation altogether. Mornings excluded, I’ve never even had an erection since I wrote Part 2.
Still, whenever sex crosses my mind, I get sad and angry. Even though I seem to have overcome the fierce discomfort of letting my sexual habits dissolve, what I’ve gained is not freedom, but emptiness. As yet, my sexual asceticism has certainly not lead me to the cool, mild joy of spiritual enlightenment I had hoped for—far from it, to be honest. Also, my behavior has changed.
My current behavior around women
One incident in particular strikes me as noteworthy. It was right before work… I was standing there with three female coworkers in the lunchroom. Actually, they were all sitting; only I was standing because I don’t like to sit. Anyhow, they started talking about me and how I “never” talk to them.
I was enjoying a glass of water, not participating in their gossip—until one of them turned to me asking, “Is it because we’re unattractive to you?” (It’s funny how overtly some girls fish for compliments when they don’t get the male attention they’re used to.) “I just don’t talk much,” I answered.
Then an older one chimed in teasingly, “I guess he’s just shy… aren’t you? Men are always so shy.” (It’s funny how women protect their ego like that.) “Yeah,” I said, raising my voice a bit and looking her dead in the eye, “I’m terrified of women, let alone talking to them.” Usually, I’d have smiled in that situation, but I haven’t had a smile on my face for weeks, which seems to be an admonitory sign of my sexual frustration. Way to reinforce my image as a psycho!
And that’s when the third chick started her little rant, “Yea, tell me about shy men! There was this drunk guy trying to hit on me at the gas station yesterday night. He was like… blablablah.” At that point, I stopped paying attention to their female chitchat, did some light stretches and dreamed about jiu-jitsu for two minutes until it was time to get to work.
Hmm, that’s already the end of the story. Sorry for not making it more pointed. You may draw your own conclusions from it.
Further things I’ve noticed
- My nights are rather sexy. I obsess about sex in all of my dreams. At least when I wake up and remember what I dreamt about, it’s always a pair of lips, be in a chick’s face or between her legs, and what I do to it. Still, I haven’t had any literally ‘wet’ dreams yet.
- At times, this total sexual abstinence feels like a legit no-pleasure diet—in a good sense. Similar to how a no-sugar diet makes me enjoy the taste of vegetables, oats, and other “boring foods” more, so does my no-or-rather-less-pleasure diet make little pleasures like walking in the woods and listening to music even more enjoyable (or maybe Wardruna is just too awesome). After all, I’m not escaping into other pleasure traps like eating shitty foods, taking recreational drugs, playing video games, or watching movies (although I do tend to overconsume podcasts these days).
- More often than usual, my mind wanders off to think about my past sexual encounters. This feels a lot better than thinking about my current situation or about what I’m going to do when I’m done with this stupid challenge. At least most of the time, for there seems to be a gratitude-arousal continuum: the more grateful I am to the women I’ve banged, the better I feel; the more aroused I get by my memory of them, the worse I feel (because then, of course, I have to fight against temptation again).
As I haven’t masturbated nor watched porn nor been alone in a room with a cute chick in the last ten days, my results now are 59/60 days without ejaculation. This is the first time writing a blog post about my challenge where I actually feel confident that I will complete it successfully (except for that one failure I mentioned in Part 1).
Final Results: Sexual Abstinence Challenge – Part 4 [100/100 Days]